A Ranma ½ story
by Dragon Claw
Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video.
"And what if they win?"
Looking at the doorway, he saw the infamous Nabiki Tendo, Ice Queen Extraordinaire, coming close to glaring at him. Ah ha! So there IS some feeling there.
"Why Ms. Tendo! If your school wins, then you get this."
Suddenly, a number of blurs surrounded Vortex.
"A picture of every pin-up girl and guy — from Pamela Anderson to Fabio — au-natural, complete with personal phone number and E-mail." *wink*
Nabiki seemed to be alternating between lust and anger. An understandable reaction, seeing that she was buried under a ton of pictures of hot guys and girls (hey, she was flexible)…
…and Happosai was taking the best shots!
The two forces of nature faced each other.
On one side of the dojo, Vortex stood, his smile giving way to a blank look of preparation. He was utterly relaxed, with his arms crossed over his chest and his gaze unwavering.
In the other side, well…
"I, Panda Man of the Unstoppable Power Force, shall bring you down!" Genma, in a black and white spandex suit, made a number of arm gestures designed to strike fear in the hearts of men and youma, not to mention point out every escape route in the area.
"I, Walking Weeper of the Unstoppable Power Force, will bring you to you knees, Negascum!" Soun, in a brown and yellow spandex suit, made the complementary moves to Genmaís, which not only intimidated the opposition, but also got rid of that nasty crick in his back.
"And I! The Master Force of the Unstoppable Power Force, will destroy you in the name of panties everywhere!" Happosai had been out of circulation for a while, so he had to improvise a bit. The back flips were all right, but his spread legs landing caused a small whimper of pain.
"UNSTOPPABLE POWER FORCE! HIYA!!" Insert the group sentai pose, with a Happo-fire-burst background.
And thus, the Unstoppable Power Force was defeated, when their own special effects went off at the wrong time.
That… that IDIOT! He was using the Umisenken! Those are forbidden techniques, sealed on his honor! That moron, those moves are DANGEROUS! AND HEíS USING THEM HERE IN A STUPID DOJO CHALLENGE TO GET SOME FANCY KNIVES!!!
Looking at the sudden pillar of flame where her friend and sometimes fiancť had been seated, Ukyo made the best of the situation that she could.
She removed a skewer and a bag from her clothing and started roasting.
"Hey, Ranchan, turn up the heat a little! I like my marshmallows well done!"
Taking a stick and various packages from her clothing with the hidden weapons style, Shampoo started setting the items up in a shish kabob arrangement.
"Shampoo agree with Spatula Girl! Marshmallows and S'mores only too, too good when burned!"
Borrowing some chocolate and gram crackers from Shampoo, the two world-class cooks set down to enjoying their treats.
Now, say what you will about Happosai, he was a good martial artist: grandmaster of one of Earthís most adaptable and powerful styles. Every defeat he suffered at the hands of younger generations was caused by distraction or trickery. Ranma himself, while possessing the power necessary to beat up a God, didnít possess the raw volume of knowledge that Happosai had at his disposal. Over a century of power and battles had caused the diminutive troll to evolve past mere human fighting into a level that few alive could hope to match.
So Vortex found himself surprisingly hard-pressed to hit the little creep.
While he wasnít going at his maximum speed, Vortex couldnít access more of his higher talents without pushing the timetable of Yggdrasil forward a few weeks or harming the others in the dojo. That was completely unacceptable to him, but Happosai didnít have those reservations. "Well then, letís try…"
Pointing to the side, Vortex shouted, "Hey! Isnít that Jenny McCarthy buck-naked?!"
Instantly, Happosaiís focus crumbled as he looked around in desperation, the figure of a bubbly and stacked blond dancing in front of his features. "WHERE? WHERE? OH GODS, WHERE?!"
Seeing that his opponent had been suitably distracted, Vortex hit Happosai with enough force to stop a dragon.
"WHERE, I SAY, WHERE?!"
He then repeated the blow forty times, finally sending the Master of Perversity into unconsciousness.
"Would you please not do that?"
Blinking in surprise, Cologne turned and saw Vortex. Then she saw Vortex! Then another Vortex, then another Vortex, then another Vortex, then another Vortex…
"Ah, excuse me, but what are you doing?"
Holding branches in each hand and covering his head in leaves, Vortex looked at her as if she was senile.
"Why, disguising myself as a forest, of course!"
Ukyo sighed, flipping another circle of batter off of the hot grill.
It was her lifeblood and trade, but the okonomiyaki kata just didnít seem to be helping to calm her today.
"Konatsu, please take care of it."
The unfortunate ninja looked at the little circle as if it was a demon from hell. Reaching over his swollen stomach, Konatsu took the Plain Okonomiyaki, closed his eyes, and swallowed it in one gulp. Just like the last one hundred and seventeen that Ukyo had made while trying to decide what to do.
It proved to be the straw that broke the camels back, however, as he toppled in a dead faint from the force required to not puke.
He actually had a choice to make. A choice HE could make. And listening to Akane vent her frustration over the defeat by breaking things was not helping.
Jumping into the dojo, Ranma destroyed every available brick, training dummy, and practice weapon at the speeds of the Chestnut Fist.
Not noticing the shocked expression on Akaneís face, Ranma stretched feeling very satisfied. "There we go. Maybe I can FOCUS now."
Shaking off her surprise, Akane got straight to the point. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUíRE DOING?!"
Looking over at the enraged Tomboy, Ranma replied honestly before thinking. "Getting rid of the stuff you could smash, so I can get some peace and quiet!"
Tilting her head to the side, Akane smirked. "You missed something."
Looking around in confusion, all Ranma could see were the ruins of the broken training equipment. "Huh? Whatíd I forget?"
Looking at the retreating form of her fiancť on the horizon, Akane smiled an evil little smile. "You, my little pretty! MWUA-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH!"
Setting the kettle on the stove, Kasumi looked out to the koi pond, lost in thought. Vortex had shown himself to be very powerful, skilled, and fairly polite. And being polite was one of the greatest virtues that Kasumi admired. But the advice that he gave her was… creepy.
"If you want to live, pack up your things and get the hell out of this house. The seal is breaking."
Looking up at tallest shelf, she examined the intricate ward with power sigils at each corner on the iron chest there. The one with a key only she possessed.
"I donít know. Akaneís cooking experiment from last month couldnít be THAT strong… could it?"
She could almost see the magic falling apart under the strain.
Authorís notes: A bit too much Akane bashing here, I guess, but what the hell.
I needed a break from the main story, which is getting to the mega explanation point and heavy-duty work elements. These Omake are a lot of fun, and a perfect tension breaker. So BOW to my comic relief! Bow I say!
Sorry, itís been a long couple of months
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