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An original spamfic
by Dragon Claw

Finally, she had gotten a connection.

Clare knew trying to summon a demon in an election year might be challenging, but finding live goats, chickens, and pigs had been all but impossible for three months. However, her back order had at last come in with animalistic yowls and barnyard odor yesterday.

But after drawing the right symbols, chanting the right spells, and leaving a proper offering, all Clare had gotten was an odd ringing tone.

Double-checking the "Spell Kit for Dummies", she nearly started to cry after discovering that the tone meant she had to wait for the next available demon, and that the symbols couldnít be removed until contact was made. Otherwise, she would have to start all over.

Which meant blood and excrement all over her living room until some bigwig demon got off his ass to answer the phone.

Fortunately, it only took them four hours instead of the six weeks the book suggested.

The deal had been struck with a skinny little creep with horned rimmed glasses, shaggy hair, bowed legs, and a harried expression. He muttered something on the way out about getting a vacation in the fire pits after all this.

Oh, the price was high, VERY high. But Clare knew she could pull it off. Grinning madly, she began to paint the demonic symbol on each of the ten gold-tipped and bloodily baptized sniper bullets. Before loading them into the ammo clip at her side, Clare proceeded to wave them over the special reading materials in front of her, chanting in another strange tongue.

Holstering the rifle, Clare headed for the roof of the apartment building.

The crowds below were at peak volume in the middle of the day. Hundreds of successful men and women were going about their business. They were from every level of the business food chain, from the busboy of the French cafť, to the CEO of a company on his way to a business meeting down the street.

Of course, there were numerous members of middle management, some attractive go-getters, while others were power-hungry little boys.

But they were not Clareís interest.

Knowing she had little time before discovery, Clare loaded the first enchanted bullet and sighted a young secretaryís head.

And the shooting began.

First the secretary, then another, then a business woman on her way back to the office, then three college students on their way to an interview, Then a young wife on her way to meet her husband, then ANOTHER two secretaries, and finally a mistress.

The change was immediate.

Quickly dropping the rifle and the military hardware, Clare stripped out of her clothes and put some non-descript sweats. Running down the stairs, she knew that the fire from her former apartment would destroy any other evidence of the crime. Of her rebirth.

After checking into the hotel and getting rid of the four men who had tired to pick her up, Clare smiled and began to laugh.


Looking into the mirror, Clare gazed in wonder at her new features.

Her mousy brown hair had shifted to a brilliant red with blonde highlights, catching the eye immediately and making it stick around for the rest of the package.

Then the face, previously covered in wrinkles, scars and four moles was now clear and beautiful, with deep blue eyes with flecks of purple, a small nose and pouting red lips that opened to the even white teeth where her six fillings and four caps had been previously.

The body, dumpy and underdeveloped, had become toned and lush, with a full bust, narrow waist, flaring hips, and long legs. Anything from a swimsuit to an evening gown would look good on or off this form. Her skin tone was a rich tan, which seemed to hint of long days on the beach. Her voice was clear and pretty, with sensuous vibrations that made even her skin crawl.

Her beauty was comparable to every single Sailor Scout combined. Her grace and power was a melding of every girl in Ranma ½. Which was, of course, why she used those manga as an image template in the spell.

Unable to remove the smile from her lips, Clare decided some room service was in order. She had just earned the body of her dreams.

She couldnít believe it! She just couldnít believe it!

Using the anime characters as a focus had given Clare the looks she had always wanted, and things had been going great at first.

But then…

Two weeks after the ritual, a minor cat demon had shown up. Day in and out, the little creep Lunarus had been trying to get her to take a parting gift from Hell for the ten sacrificed souls. Finally, going nearly insane from the constant pressure, Clare had surrendered. Laughing, Lunarus took off, disappearing in a back flip. The only thing left to mark his passage was a small, circular broach.

Then it got weird.

The broach didnít do much, except to cause her clothing to change into a school uniform a size too small. Thinking how perverted demons were in particular, and what a great way to pick up guys the outfit was, Clare went out on the town for the night, planning to hook up with a stud in the clubs. That turned out to be a big mistake.

One look at the dress and a hundred guys had practically raped her on the street. Fleeing for her life, Clare ducked into a back alley to throw off her crowd of admirers and tried to change out of the outfit. One small problem though It wouldnít change back into her normal clothing, and she couldnít remove it at all.

The outfit didnít come off at all that night. She had to wait until sunrise before it shifted to normal on its own. Angry, Clare tried to remove the amulet, but literally received a nasty shock when one thousand volts went through her system in a second.

After that, the uniform would reappear at sunset every night. And every night that Clare tried to leave the apartment, guys would gravitate towards her in a drooling horde.

The lack of a party life was bad enough, but not the end of it by any stretch of the imagination.

The spell also seemed give her some of the martial arts skills from the Ranma ½ series, including Anything Goes, Hidden Weapons, Amazon Wu Shu, Okonomiyaki-ken, and Ninjitsu. After the numerous attacks, Clare started going to the gym and a nearby dojo to practice for her own self-defense.

However, the sensei at the dojo had seen Clare move, and challenged her on the spot. She defeated him, surprisingly enough, for the right to use his dojo to practice alone. But he took it personally, and began to train in earnest to defeat Clare, challenging her every day.

When word of such an incredible and beautiful fighter got around, every dojo in the city sent a representative to challenge her.

Clare wouldnít have minded, except that her superior martial arts skill developed in such a short amount of time caused heirs of some of the weirdest martial artists in the world to attack her in an attempt to make a name for them and their school.

The Pervert-ken challenger caused her to be booted from four apartments, when he kept sneaking into her home every night and going nuts at the sight of her in the magical privateware. Needless to say, Clare didnít turn to the police.

Deciding enough was enough, Clare looked back to "Spell Kit for Dummies" in an attempt to discover what had gone wrong. The incantation had been recited perfectly, the diagrams were flawless, and the ingredients were as fresh as possible. Then a small footnote caught her attention.

"If a demon contacts you post-summoning, DO NOT accept anything from him/her/it. If this has already occurred, please call customer services."

This innocent little sentence spelled doom, and Clare knew it.

The attempt to get a human to pick up had taken several hours, as Clare battled the maze of phone directories that made up the customer service of any big company, which consisted of four wizards and seven thousand computers. After finally getting a guy, she hung up after two minutes, deciding that the computer would be more useful. Having a sexy voice made calling males over the phone for business very difficult.

The computers answer was disturbing.

"A demon contact post summoning commonly occurs when the forces of darkness attempt to punish the one who summoned them after payment. This is commonly believed to be due to a contract that Hell and Heaven have concerning divine justice. Hell is not only a source of temptation, but manages the punishments for breaking celestial rules. This punishment often comes in the form of a gift that will cause problems for the Sorcerer or Sorceress, or will change and warp Hellís payment into something undesired. For examples of problems often caused, press one. For examples of warped payment, press two. To return to the main menu, press three. To speak with a customer representative, press four or stay on the line."

Nervous, Clare had pressed two.

"Examples of warped Hell payments are as follows. First, someone wishes for wealth, and sacrifices six pigs and a child as payment. Then a demon shows up and offers a pack of playing cards. The cards infect the individual to become addicted to gambling, and they lose their wealth to the poker table. Press one for the next example. Press two for the previous menu. Press three if similar event occurred to you."

With trepidation, Clare pressed one. She hadnít wished for wealth, after all.

"Example two: Someone wishes for immortality, and sacrifices one little girl, one young woman, one middle aged woman, and one grandmother. A demon shows up and offers a gold watch. This watch causes the individual to age at an accelerated rate, but be immune to death. Press one for the next example. Press two for the previous menu. Press three if similar event occurred to you."

Close, but no cigar.

"Example three: A person wishes to be a supermodel, and kills ten young members of their own gender, using a magazine as a physical medium reference. A demon shows up with an article related to the magazine and negative events occur. Press one for the next example. Press two for the previous menu. Press three if similar event occurred to you."


"If the magazine was a bathing suit catalog, press one. If the magazine was a Victoria Secret catalog, press two. If the magazine was a piece of fiction, such as a comic book, press three. If it was a novel, press four."

Their accuracy was creepy at this point.

"If more than one piece of fiction was used, press one…"

Clare was getting irritated at this point, so she cut the machine off.

"You have used multiple pieces of fiction as a physical template, killed ten individuals to consecrate the spell, and accepted a piece of related medium from a demon post-summoning. The general situation in cases such as this is the problems related to the main characters of all used fiction will gradually begin to appear in you life. For example, supervillains, magical attacks, kidnappings of loved ones…"

The problems of all the Sailor Scouts AND the chaos of Ranma?! But thatís… thatís a fate worse than death!

"For the 'Spell Kit for Dummies' official response to this problem, press one. For the previous menu, press two. To talk with a customer representative, press three or stay on the line."

Her hand shaking in fear, Clare pressed one, praying for a way out of this horrible mess.

"You have pressed one. To quote the ultimate forces of the universe, 'Karmaís a bitch.' Have a nice day."

Clare was left staring at the phone, which had disconnected. But no matter how many times she tried over the years, Clare was never able to reach the system again.


Author's notes: The references here are not mine. I just like dropping names.

This idea came to me after reading ANOTHER line about bodies supermodels would kill for. So I wondered, how do you kill for a super body?

The next part of ALBA:WOML will come out soon. Iím just sorta stuck in the think tank. Donít worry though; I am a master of escape!

Ah, could anyone lend me a blowtorch for this?

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